Sunday, March 10, 2013


Today's Daily Om says, "Interacting peacefully with people from all walks of life is a matter of first understanding where they are coming from."  The article talks about people being in their own "universes" and how you need to approach each one as unique.

I do try to follow this practice, but I'm sort of going through the motions.  Recently I heard the expression "fake it til you make it."  In other words, I "pass."  You hear this term unfortunately sometimes when people talk about skin color - someone passes for white, for example.  You may also have heard this term used in relation to mental health; it basically means that you pass for non-mentally ill.  I'm what they call "highly functional."  I just learned recently that there's even a diagnostic test for functionality and I have a number.  I'm luckier than many in some ways, because I get told all the time that people wouldn't know I was mentally ill if I didn't tell them.  That's at my best, though.  It doesn't happen without a lot of meds and complete sobriety.  I don't knock it though, and I don't press my luck.  I'm fortunate that I can even be a bit creative with coherency

In my head though, it's another story.  I still hear voices, for one thing, though not as often.  And I'm palgued by delusions.  They have nifty names like, "delusions of reference."  Under the circumstances, I find it difficult to be in touch with reality enough to understand my own universe, let alone someone else's.  I don't know the right questions to ask someone else about their perspective, because mine keeps shifting.  I can be hanging around, acting normal, but I really want to be screaming, "this is not okay with me!!!"    What, you might ask?  I can't always tell for sure.

I'm extremely lucky to have a small, supportive family.  I'm with them often enough that I can't always hold it together, and they are adept at helping me through the highs, the lows and the schisms.  I even have a select core of friends who really care.  Beyond that I have my psychiatrist and my therapist.  After that, people start to get scary.  I want to ineract peacefully, so I act like I'm at peace with myself.  But I feel estranged from people, in general.  I do much better with animals.

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