Sunday, March 10, 2013

Music Dysfunction

I don't listen to music the way I used to do, which was constantly.  I was actually a DJ for years in college and every beat of my heart had a song.  I'm not sure when it happened exactly, but when my psychosis hit and I started hearing voices, I lost most of my interest in music.  I've been getting back to myself over the years, but now I usually watch videos.  In any case, I'm re-evalutaing my playlist.
I'd have to call the songs below anthems from the past.  I wish I didn't understand them so inherently.  Listening to them / watching the videos helps me to see how far I've come, though.  It wasn't ever what I wanted, but I really didn't know any better.  It's definitely like that Jane's Addiction Song "Jane Says," which I didn't get until I bonded with a dog and found an unconditional love with someone who needed me more than I needed myself.  It's this part of the song that gets me:

"Jane says
I've never been in love
I don't know what it is
Only knows if someone wants her
I want them if they want me
I only know they want me"

Now, I have hope, because I can see why I don't need these songs anymore:

"I Love the Way You Lie" - Eminem ft. Rihanna -
"Little Earthquakes" - Tori Amos -
"Violently Happy" - Bjork -

As I return to my love of music, though, it gets harder to explain stuff to my therapist.  I just want to say, "it's like that one song, ya know?" But I have the distinct impression that I've been more thoroughly schooled in pop culture.  

In any case, I'm still trying to figure out what to do when there aren't any lies or earthquakes or violence. The only time I've felt this before is when things were TOO still - right before the wrath hits.  But I have this vague notion of tranquility, which I'm starting to explore.  And yes, my heart has a song again.

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