One person's journey surviving mental illness and recovering from substance abuse.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Yesterday's blogging and the talk about women's rights issues all over the social media sphere seems to have gotten under my skin. I wondered if I should have posted the Rihanna video, but then I decided that I had to do it. It's honest. I've never been one to strike out at other people except on very rare occasions and I've never even known how to defend myself against an attacker, let alone take revenge. I mean, I'm such an extreme advocate of all living things that I won't kill bugs or pull "weeds." And I always tried to turn off the pain by taking out my angst on myself. I've tried to commit suicide three times and I did a lot of things like cutting and looking for ways to get hurt to stifle the pain. For example, I remember getting clocked in the jaw in a mosh pit one time and thinking that being in shock was the coolest thing ever. It was like a state of suspended animation from all feeling. But I was so numb that it seemed like only if something hurt could I feel it at all. Not good.
But recently, within the past four of five months, let's say, I've been getting to the point of grieving for myself that is anger. Maybe it's because I've been in a stable, loving environment with a great support system for over four years now (yes, I'm extremely lucky) and it seems like the dark days are in my past enough that I could look back honestly and ask myself how I feel about it. Well, how I feel about it is mad. And just to give you the full picture, I'd guard a "weed" before I'd be moved to help many people. I don't mean to be speciesist and lump humans into a "usually bad" category, Bit I do. I know that I do.
My therapist has taken me on for extra sessions to help me work through these new raging emotions. She doesn't think I'd hurt anyone, and neither do I, but the thought finally crossed my mind. Why should I be the one suffering and they just go on living? I mean, there's always a sesne of insecurity knowing they're still around somewhere and that people like them are all around. If I ever got abused again I think I'd freak out totally. I saw some skit at some point where a guy goes to mug a woman and she gets so freaky on him that she scares him off. I think I'd be like that.
However, I wonder about that peace accord that I just finalized with myself. If I'm only going to surround myself with peaceful, loving people and ditch the drama, aren't I kind of going in the other direction with anger? I mean, I certainly don't want to go over to the "dark side". It's tempting in a way, to think about having the power to destroy those who hurt you and left you feeling powerless. But it defeats my purpose. Besides, I'm aware that the best thing I can do with any of those individuals from the past is to disengage. Why would I want to go asking for trouble? That's exactly what I promised myself I wouldn't do.
I plan to do more yoga, listen to peaceful music, interact with peaceful people and get extra therapy until I get through this. I know that I've been in denial for a long time. I've also gone through deep depression and done some bargaining. So, I guess now anger gets it's time. In some ways, it seems way overdue, but the part of me fighting for the light is looking toward acceptance, somehow, but right now that idea makes me want to puke. I will strive for balance, at least, until I can get through these murky waters.