So, I learned something today from my psychiatrist, who has her own theory about why I've been hearing commands to kill myself. Although, I'm happy to say, I haven't heard anything along those lines in a couple of days now.
A couple of days ago I was talking about how I basically felt trapped in the house by the terrible winter weather - my own personal "igloo mindset." But I've also talked about how my family's life has been changed by my Dad's heart failure last year and the stress of helping him to keep up a decent quality of life. Not to mention the everyday stresses that I just don't handle well. My therapist always reminds me that I have a low threshold for stress.
Well, so all that adds up to a round of depression. I have said though, that this represents more than just the typical seasonal downer that is winter. Because of my psychosis, my psyche is fragile and that kind of stress and depression going on for so long can turn into anger. My doctor taught me today how depression and anger are closely linked. You get depressed, then frustrated about it and before you know it, you're into anger. In my case, she feels this anger has been bubbling up in my subconscious.
Now, why does that translate into commands to kill myself? The anger has to be aimed somewhere and in this case, for whatever reason, it's turned inward. My theory about that from previous rounds of suicidal ideation is that when you feel unable to change your life, it seems like a way of gaining control, of ending the pain. Obviously, that is not the way to go!
I truly hope that by realizing this, maybe my mind will start to heal. My doc said to do things I enjoy - try to have fun. I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances. The weather is supposed to change and get warmer next week, which should help, too. We'll see if the voices remain quiet.