Wednesday, February 26, 2014

finding tumblr. is like getting an emotional facelift

I found out that I was old today and that with age has come a measure of - something. Yes, today I had to ask, "what is tumblr.?"  And I found out the answer is that I'm obviously old if I have to ask.

If you don't know about tumblr. you should check it out. It's an amazing site of "micro-blogging."  It's something between this place and twitter and facebook or maybe it's just a mash-up of all of them.  Really, it's brilliant.

But what I've found there so far is pain and grief and frustration and angst.  Reading posts there makes me feel like I've lost my emotional edge.  Maybe by old they mean that my emotions have been "worn smooth" by time.  I feel like this blog is so academic.  I feel like I've been analyzing myself instead of just emoting.  But maybe that's because I did get to a place where I felt like I had a "more mature" attitude toward my illness.  Now, I could "handle" it.

The truth is I get by - or am getting by - despite about 6 weeks of command hallucinations telling me to hurt or kill myself.  I've blogged here about the fact that the docs are at a loss as what to do with me, because I'm already maxed out on my meds.  I see my therapist every week and try to come up with sensible strategies for dealing with my psychosis.

So, why don't I "rage against the machine anymore?"  Why don't I do cutting like I used to?  Why aren't I self-destructive like I used to be?  Is it all an illusion?  Have I really changed or am I repressing my emotions in new ways?  Have I grown up or grown numb?  I don't want to go back to those behaviors, yet I don't feel like I'm really acknowledging my emotions anymore.

All I know is that I've found a new window into the world of mental illness in the world of micro-blogging. It's filled with pure energy. It's raw. It's dirty and painful.  It seethes and oozes with dark emotions.I suppose that could be attributed to youth, but I feel like it's real source is honesty.

Yes, I'm a calmer specimen these days, on my meds and with a strong support system.  But it does pretty much suck out loud to have voices telling you to kill yourself.  It's scary. I am afraid.  I still wonder about what's inside me that others can't see.

I joined tumblr. today and so far I feel like my posts have been really lame.  I feel like I need to remember how to reach inside and find my silenced scream. I'm going to see what happens to me in the sphere of youthful exuberance and soul truth.  Feel free to join me there at

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