Monday, February 17, 2014

How do I know when I'm "in the clear?"

Really, I'm asking myself today, how do I know when a bout of psychosis is "over?"
Does that even mean anything?

I know that what I mean specifically is this phase of hearing commands to kills myself.  They don't make sense, I don't pay them any mind, I do everything I can to ignore them and yet, last night again I was hearing a repetitive "just shoot yourself."  It would be funny in a different context as I have no way (or desire) to literally do it.

I'm assuming that this is a phase because I've gone through phases of this before, but usually they come with a med change, and as I've stated previously, I'm pretty well maxed out on my meds.  My doctor told me that if I start to lose a grip I could take another half, or even whole, Haldol, but I haven't needed to do that.

It's just like these hiccups I had today - I know somehow I flipped my diaphram and that's all that was going on (just like my neurochemistry being skewed causes me to hallucinate). I knew that in all likelihood that the hiccups would pass, (although I heard about someone once who had hiccups for 8 years).  But each time I thought they were gone they kept coming back for almost an hour. Eventually I ignored them long enough and they went away.  I really hope that happens sooner than later with these command hallucinations.

I can't help but to think of Simon and Garfunkel's "Hazy Shade of Winter:"

"Hang on to your hopes, my friend 
That's an easy thing to say, but if your hope should pass away 
It's simply pretend 
That you can build them again"

  I will be patient and believe in the "springtime of my life."

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