Sunday, April 28, 2013

self-medicating to kill time

It's the strangest thing to be writing a blog but want to say nothing.  It's not writer's block. It's like the opposite. There's a lot going on in my mind, but I just don't want to talk about it.  I decided that's what I should say.

Actually, that helps a bit because I asked myself why?  And I realized I just want to be alone, the way a sick dog will go off in a corner to be alone.  It's just to challenging to interact right now. And basically I want to self-medicate.  Drinking, in particular, kills time. I realized this when I sobered up the way I realized the answer to "what would you do without a TV?" when I didn't have one.

The thing that people don't necessarily realize unless you're any kind of addict is that taking part in the addictive activity takes time.  When you get to the extreme, you don't have time for anything else.   Right now, I just want to kill some time while I don't feel up to par.  It's not even that I feel terrible, it's just that I'm struggling to get through everyday tasks and instead, I'd rather just blot out the day.

Right now I thank God for support system being in place because I can't just go off alone and drink.
Probably the best thing I can do is admit it and probably the best thing anybody can do is have that support system in place AT ALL TIMES.  Because, really, I wasn't expecting to be craving so hard right now and it's just a mood thing.

The weather is supposed to be beautiful in a few days, so I'm hoping I perk up.  Until then, I'm going to hang in there because, quite on purpose, when I was in a better mindset, I left myself no choice.  For that I'm grateful to myself and everyone who does or has helped me stay strong.

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