Friday, April 5, 2013

Days Between

Days blend into days when you’re in recovery, I’ve noticed.  This is especially true if you can’t work, and you don’t have a schedule to give you structure.  You don’t get a break from maintaining your wellness, either.  You need to keep up with your meds, your own personal daily routine, your sobriety, etc.  There is no holiday from wellness.  You can’t just decide, ‘today I’m going to blow it all off and party,’ because the consequences could be devastating.

Recovery is a full-time responsibility and it isn’t easy.  It may seem like you only have to do small things like get out of bed or take your meds, but when you already aren’t feeling good, are distracted or confused those can be like taking giant steps. It’s just a 24/7, 365 day a year responsibility to take care of yourself to the best of your ability and it matters.

Personally, I know that my night meds  (2mg of klonapin and now 1000mg of depakote) make me sleepy, but honestly I just don’t see any reason to get out of bed usually for a while.  I know I need to motivate myself somehow, but it’s hard, I think, to feel like you  have something to look forward to when what little you can do just involves trying to get by.  I remember a Ziggy cartoon that just said, “Get up. Survive. Go to bed.”  That’s how I feel.

I know I’m luckier than many because I do have family who are caring and supportive and even a few friends who are, too.  When you’re alone, as I used to be, it can be just a great struggle to get out of bed at all or, to settle yourself down if you feel manic or psychotic.  Balance and stability are often elusive those in recovery, even if that’s all you have to work on.

*sigh*  I guess I have to give this higher dose of depakote a chance.  I’ll try to be patient with myself.

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