sprin-ter

Winter lingers at the beginning of spring, so they're calling it "sprin-ter" today.  It's actually snowing pretty hard, which isn't unusual for the beginning of spring, depending on where you live, but it reminds me of how I feel a lot these days.

In some ways, I've come so far, with both by mental illness and addiction recovery.  Even a diagnosis is a huge start (that's more like the winter solstice).  And I've been mostly stable on meds since 2010 (the last time I was in the hospital).  And I know that 10 years+ sobriety is significant. I even got myself into writing a blog and maintaining a website lately.

Maybe the reason I relate to the day is because for all my "successes" with recovery I feel like I should be farther along than this.  What do I mean by "further along?"  I don't exactly know.  I've seen it expressed as a question on a schizophrenia forum as, "is this all there is?"  I get that.  It's all about maintenance. When you're seriously mentally ill it takes most of your time and energy just to maintain wellness, and that's if you're lucky.

Most of the few people I'm close to (and yes, I'm grateful that I can count those few people) are very busy with their "lives."  They work, they go out, they have relationships, etc.  I can't handle too much stress or stimulation and I don't spend my time self-medicating anymore.  That makes it hard to "do" anything or find people with whom you can interact.  Plus, I'm on a fixed income and I don't drive, so I don't have many opportunities to get and "do" things anyway.

It's not quite boredom and it's not quite depression - this feeling. It's more like a grey sky or a bleak landscape.  Sometimes I miss being manic as much as I miss partying.  I miss the feeling of life being eventful, purposeful, even if those events and purposes made absolutely no sense.

Basically, when I was younger, before my illness hit in my mid-twenties, I had what a lot of people would call a "bright future."  I had a good job, I was married, I had a lot of "friends."  But all that came crashing down around me when I couldn't function anymore.  These days, it's awesome to be sober and stable, but there's very little "going on."  I'm not quite lonely, not quite lost.  It's kind of quiet.  I do meditate and practice yoga and some would say "what's there to be done?"  I wish I could understand that as much as I understand the drive to "stay interesting."

Even though it's snowing, spring is here.  I know that.  Eventually it'll get warm and nature will begin it's active time of year.  In the same way, I just have to keep at wellness, knowing that I will truly have more of a life again, in my own time.  It's that knowledge and belief that keeps me going on days like these.