Feeling

Yes, I'm a sci-fi geek and Star Trek TNG is my favorite in the Star Trek series.  But what's much more significant about the photo above is that it makes me feel as though I'm somehow in synch with the universe.  It came up on my pages feed on facebook today, but I've been thinking about this exact scene for a couple of weeks. In case you're not familiar, this is an iconic scene from Star Trek: First Contact <SPOILER ALERT> where Data, the android, is being held captive by the borg queen.  She can't "assimilate" him into the collective by making him half machine, because, of course, he's all machine.  But he has been upgraded with an emotion chip.  She takes advantage of this by doing the only thing she can do to entice him to join her: she makes him more organic.  So, she graphs a patch of skin onto his arm and simply, blows on it.  Yes, Data actually considers her "offer" for a fraction of a second which he later reports is a very long time for an android.

So, why am I thinking about this scene?  For one thing, I feel as though I've recently gotten my "emotion chip." (I'm really into feminist cyborg theory and I relate to that feeling of being emotionless and machine-like.)  On top of that I'm not so numb anymore that all I can feel is pain. In fact. every tiny nuance of interaction with others is like that gentle blow across the skin was for Data.  But now, imagine if that wasn't the Borg queen trying to tempt him, but a friend like Tasha Yar (who slept with him when she found out he was "fully functional")  Or better still, a long-time "Imzadi" (Betazoid for "beloved").  

It doesn't take much when you start to feel loved after a long time of stone heartedness.  Every kind thought, every peaceful gesture is like that breeze across my skin.  And then add communication and even interaction and I'm over-the-top blown away.  I didn't think it would be possible to feel again, but it just took time to heal.  If you find yourself in pain that seems overwhelming or numbing, don't give up.  All wounds really do heal in time. And it's so worth it to have your heart back again.

I have to say thank you here to all my family and friends for the caring and support and thank you to all who come and share my experience of me here.  (And yah, if you wanna freak me out, post a comment!)  I think about it all  in a very positive way, for a very long time.

Voices 2

Last night I heard one of the more coherant statements I've hallucinated lately.  I heard, "clarity is vulnerability next to ignorance."  Now, I thought immediately that it was crap, but I also think it means that all my extra therapy and blogging are taking me outside my emotional comfort zone. Yes, it was easier to cope in some ways when I didn't see how wrong my life was going, and I do feel more vulnerable - almost standing naked - in light of the truth.  But I'm not going back to ignorance and nobody, including some voice from my subconscious is going to convince me otherwise.

D.A.I.S.Y.

That's right:  Da Inner Sound Y'all.  That good feeling about your own personal groove.  Anybody out there remember De La Soul's album "Three Feat High and Rising?"  Hip hop is some of the best poetry I know.  Why I'm thinking about daisies today is because there's a line in the song "The Magic Number" that asks, "what does it all mean?"

At first I thought of this website and blog as just something to do - a way to be creative and fill my time. If I'm really being honest, I was bored and wanted to feel relevant.  But it came to my attention today that are still not a great number of resources for mental illness and substance abuse issues.  They exist, but for the number of people affected or who care about someone who has been affected, there's nowhere near enough.  On top of that there are still so many stereotypes and misunderstandings. I mean, I have a dual diagnosis and I still struggle to figure out what that means to me.  There's the concrete stuff like the meds and visits to the local psych clinic, and the lack of things like alcohol and drugs.  There are the voices and other delusions that are a little harder to get at directly.  But I had a stigma about my own diagnosis for a long time.  Now, I've only surrounded myself by a very small group of supportive people, but that's just it - it comes down to a very small number of people.  For one thing, when you get sober you can't hand out with the people you used with anymore, so that really thins the herd, and then the diseases themselves often lead to a sense of isolation.  It can be really lonely. And, if people who are in recovery are questioning themselves, where does that leave loved ones or the general public?

Yesterday, I talked about how I realized this blog could help educate people.  (I was originally going for bold, artistic and entertaining.) Now that I'm starting to see some traffic it's occurring to me that by sharing my experiences, by creating another space for this type of discussion, I'm adding to the pool of resources.  In other words, I could really help somebody. Duh! Right?  But I totally didn't take myself seriously at first.  So, I guess I feel the weight of a bit of responsibility, since these are such serious and life-changing subjects.

If you haven't checked the website out lately, I've started a new Links page to other online resources. They always say if what you do helps even one person, then it's worth it.  I agree.  I hope that this site helps you and that you will share your thoughts with me.  As De La Soul reminds us, "the effect is 'Mmmm' when a daisy grows in your mind."  If I can help one daisy grow, whether or not I know about it, then, yay!

Blog Trauma

It has been called to my attention now, in no uncertain terms, by two separate people, who are both close to me, that reading about some of the things I've been through can be seriously disturbing.  Part of it is certainly that  they know me, and were the situation reversed, I can only imagine how horrified I'd be if similar types of things had happened to them.  But I'm aware that people are normally disturbed when bad things happen to people, whether or not they know them.  I'm now taking into consideration that a blog this raw is not the kind of thing you necessarily read everyday.  See, it's my life, so I'm used to it, and I'm used to talking about it with a psychiatrist, therapist or in group therapy.  I think that if you're involved in recovery and wellness programs, you might be used to hearing stories like mine.  In mental health facilities and twelve step programs this stuff is just par for the course.  What I'm realizing is that while I thought about the target audience for this blog being people who are experiencing the challenges of mental illness or substance abuse issues, people outside that sphere are reading it, too.  I don't want to bring anybody down, but I think it's so important to get this stuff out in the world and out of me.  I'm now hoping this blog will help people who are involved with people who are mentally ill or addicts / recovering addicts.  And maybe if this type of thing isn't in your life at all, it'll give you a glimpse of another slice of life.  I'll try to be funny and artistic, too, I promise, but yes, I'm keeping it real.   Thanks to all who come here and read, even if it's hard sometimes. It means more to me than I can say.  Also, I encourage comments and discussion.  I'd like this to be a safe place for open discourse about all kinds of issues.

Always Remember to Bring a Towel

Today's Google doodle clued me in that today is the late Douglas Adam's birthday.  I have to mention him here, because his "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" series still stands as the funniest books I've ever read.  My favorite is the secong book, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe," for one thing, because as far as night club entertainment goes, what would beat that?  Although, after that you might find everything else wholly uninspiring.

In terms of my formative influences, Adams has a great deal to do with my sense of satire and sense of humor.  In fact, you'll notice than an earlier post of mine is titled "Don't Panic!" which is actually a reference to the cover of the hitchhiker's guidebook itself (above), which lists Earth as "mostly harmless."   I remain skeptical.

Dry

I know it isn’t an oasis

Rippling at the horizon -

The heat makes that clear -

But I stumble towards it anyway,

Because it’s someplace to go:

A point of reference

In the featureless desert.

And how I found myself here

Is not lost on me,

As I have given up on the roads

Tracked beyond all landmarks

To make a fresh start.

Experience had taught me,

That some others

Venture into this no-man’s land

From time to time.

But their sojourn is a visit

Mine, a journey:

I’m in it for the long haul.

Did I have to come here?

Only if I wanted to live, I suppose.

I don’t feel lost

Or necessarily abandoned

So much as confused.

Maybe it’s the brightness

Of the sun bouncing

Off the sea of sand

That disorients and distorts.

This adventure, this exploration,

Unbinds time until it expands forever,

Aching onward, to the rhythm

Of the mirage ahead

With nothing left behind.

-03.10.13

Schizoaffective

Before I go any further with this blog, I want explain my technical diagnosis.  The docs call it "schizoaffective disorder."  According to the NAMI website:

"Schizoaffective disorder is a serious mental illness that affects about one in 100 people. Schizoaffective disorder as a diagnostic entity has features that resemble both schizophrenia and also serious mood (affective) symptoms."

Why I bring this up is because most people don't know what schizoaffective means. I noticed in rooting around online that the subject doesn't get as much attention as bipoloar disorder or schizophrenia by themselves, yet the diagnosis indicates that I have both, which is more concerning than having just one.  I like to break it down and explain that I have been diagnosed with two separate illnesses, because really, when I say "schizoaffective" most people just don't get it.  But both bipolar disorder and schizophrenia have gotten a lot of attention. Also, to just say schizoaffective is a bit vague, since it indicates that you have some kind of mood disorder and some kind of serious psychosis.  I find it helpful to be specific.

What startled me when I went to the NAMI website was that part of the quote that says that schizoaffective disorder affects about 1 in 100 people.  To me, that seems like a really significant number of people.  In the U.S. alone that would be over 3 million people.  I wonder, too, how often people go undiagnosed?

The duration of time, from the time of my initial diagnosis of bipolar, to the time I was told I was schizoaffective due to also being schizophrenic, was twelve years.  The main reason was that I was so schizophrenic that I couldn't even articulate that I was hallucinating.  The presence of voices and delusions fed into my psychosis (I thought that I was psychic and telepathic and that I was "listening" to things going on about me.  I didn't think anyone would believe me if I told them that, and I had no one to tell anyhow, because I was sure that everyone was out to get me).  How many other people don't even know to ask for help or how to go about it?  I've heard it's typical that people go about 10 years on average before they get the correct diagnosis of a mental illness, so I'm sure I'm far from alone.

For the purposes of this blog though, the actual most important diagnosis is the "dual diagnosis" of mental illness and substance abuse issues. i've also heard it called "MIS" for menatl illness and substance abuse.   It's easier than it used to be, not to be tempted to self-medicate, because I have such a supportive network and environment, but that doesn't mean that I don't always have to flick away the idea when I'm anxious, which is quite often.  But it's particularly dangerous to use while you're on meds (not to mention using instead of meds). 

So, yes, technically I am "schizoaffective" and maybe if that term comes into more general use, I'll use it as a descriptor more often.  In the meantime, I feel that what's important is to continue to educate people about what it means.