Thursday, March 6, 2014

paranoid void

I'm not sure where to start writing about this because I'm paralyzed and distracted by fear.  Why? Because of what I don't know.  I wrote yesterday about applying for a volunteer position at a local animal shelter. I now realize just how brave I was to make that move.  I also think if it weren't for the animals I might not have gone through with it.  People scare me.

And what scares me the most about people is when I don't feel like I know what they're doing in relationship to or response to me.  I used to believe that I could read people's minds. It gave me a sense of security - like I always knew what was going on behind my back.  Since that ended, I found myself in an "information void" where I had to try to interact with people based with the information I was presented with my senses - what I saw them do, what I heard them say, etc. and I just have to say that with my paranoia, it's often not enough.  What I don't know for sure, my mind tends to make up and the more I care about something, the worse it gets.

So, today, I was ready for the phone to ring to hear something - anything about my application.  I finally called, just to make sure it got to the right person. I found out the it would be a few days before they got to the business of new volunteers.  Okay, fair enough.  That made me feel a little better.  But I really care about this opportunity and now I just feel like I have no idea what they'll think of my application.  What's going on there? Do they even need my help?  Will something I wrote have been "the wrong thing?"  I dunno.

I mean really, I found myself today thinking, this is exactly why I can't work.  I obsess over approval and I have a fear of rejection. I have an almost constant need for feedback. I need so much communication and emotional support.  I get to this point where if I don't get enough feedback I basically can't function.   And this is just a situation where I'm hoping to be "allowed" to help for free. That's how I see it.  If there were money involved and it had anything to do with my survival I'd be completely flipped out right now.

So, in writing this, I'm trying to get a grip.  I have to be patient. Personally, it helps me to say that it's in God's hands and whatever happens is meant to be.  I have to talk myself down over and over again. And I will, but it will be interesting to see if I can handle this at all.

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