Saturday, July 13, 2013

Where happened to this blogger's blogging for so long?

What did happen to me for so long?  I wish I knew how to explain it.  In fact, it's because I didn't know how to explain what happened that it has taken me even longer to write.  Finally, today, I realized that I could write again because all I needed to say is that I feel very hesitant to try to explain what happened.

Technically, you would say that I had another breakdown.  After all I'd written, why did I have such a hard time just stating that?  The best way I can say it is that I had seen myself as 'beyond' being that sick somehow.  I thought that I was writing as someone who was recovering from mental illness in a way that meant that the worst was behind me.  In retrospect, I think that my blogging was something of a cry for help. I mean, knowing now that I was headed for a breakdown, I can see that I was getting introspective and reaching out for answers.

I notice that I stopped writing at the end of April and I had just managed to avoid going off on a "bender."   I was lucky there, but I was still just about to round the bend.  I thought that my birthday at the beginning of May would cheer me up.  I even got my own domain name as a gift ( - how's that for "product placement?" LOL) and I thought I'd get back to writing as soon as...  And then I ended up in the hospital for 8 days.

How do I even explain why?  I truly am humbled by facing this unknown.  I could give you the "reasons" that I didn't think that I was okay, and why the doctors agreed, but now that seems so surface.  Basically, I had gotten delusional and despondent and no one thought that I could be considered "safe" outside the hospital. Sure, that's why they put you in there.  But on a deeper level I had to acknowledge once again that I'm never going to be "done" "recovering" - I will always be surviving this illness.  I had to face my own mortality again and admit to myself that I have no great wisdom about mental illness, I merely have perspective.

Having said that, I hope to be able to pick up where I left off here and bring up some of the thoughts that I've had in the last couple of months.  I'm finally in a better mental space again, and I'm ultimately grateful to my family, friends and all the professionals who helped me through my latest struggles.  I hope that you will continue / start this journey with me!

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