paranoid void

I'm not sure where to start writing about this because I'm paralyzed and distracted by fear.  Why? Because of what I don't know.  I wrote yesterday about applying for a volunteer position at a local animal shelter. I now realize just how brave I was to make that move.  I also think if it weren't for the animals I might not have gone through with it.  People scare me.

And what scares me the most about people is when I don't feel like I know what they're doing in relationship to or response to me.  I used to believe that I could read people's minds. It gave me a sense of security - like I always knew what was going on behind my back.  Since that ended, I found myself in an "information void" where I had to try to interact with people based with the information I was presented with my senses - what I saw them do, what I heard them say, etc. and I just have to say that with my paranoia, it's often not enough.  What I don't know for sure, my mind tends to make up and the more I care about something, the worse it gets.

So, today, I was ready for the phone to ring to hear something - anything about my application.  I finally called, just to make sure it got to the right person. I found out the it would be a few days before they got to the business of new volunteers.  Okay, fair enough.  That made me feel a little better.  But I really care about this opportunity and now I just feel like I have no idea what they'll think of my application.  What's going on there? Do they even need my help?  Will something I wrote have been "the wrong thing?"  I dunno.

I mean really, I found myself today thinking, this is exactly why I can't work.  I obsess over approval and I have a fear of rejection. I have an almost constant need for feedback. I need so much communication and emotional support.  I get to this point where if I don't get enough feedback I basically can't function.   And this is just a situation where I'm hoping to be "allowed" to help for free. That's how I see it.  If there were money involved and it had anything to do with my survival I'd be completely flipped out right now.

So, in writing this, I'm trying to get a grip.  I have to be patient. Personally, it helps me to say that it's in God's hands and whatever happens is meant to be.  I have to talk myself down over and over again. And I will, but it will be interesting to see if I can handle this at all.

Will the stigma matter?

I'm trying something new for the first time in 6 years - I'm applying for acceptance into something besides disability or medicaid or some kind of mental health program.  I'm applying for a volunteer position.  It might as well be as nerve-wracking as applying for a job, because, by doctors' orders, I can't work anymore. I just can't handle the stress.  At the same time, I get very little socialization outside my family.  So, my therapist has become adamant that I get involved in some kind of social organization.  I'm too high-functioning for the groups they have at my mental health clinic, but I also don't have any local friends. So, yes, I'm sitting here blogging again.

And that, according to my therapist, is a good thing, but she thinks my psychosis is being exacerbated by a degree of isolation.  In other words, I'm having command hallucinations because I'm too much inside my own head. You just plain need social interaction to stay emotionally well-balanced.  So, today I applied to be a volunteer at a local animal shelter.  I love animals - they're great therapy - and I'd immediately have a love of animals in common with the staff and other volunteers.

So, what's this stigma I'm worried about?  Well, partially it's THE stigma of mental illness, especially schizophrenia.  On the application I actually used the more accurate but less common diagnosis of "schizoaffective disorder" because I didn't want to write down bipolar disorder AND schizophrenia.  *shiver*  But I also have an internal distrust of my own abilities (my own stigma) because I lost several jobs due to my illness.

Tonight, I'm asking myself two things - will they take one look at my application and get freaked out (even though I have a lot of experience and related skills) and can I handle it?  My therapist says just try it out and if it doesn't work out then I just quit.  But will I even get a chance with my illness and a lack of regular availability?  And I don't want to have to quit. I'd really like to be involved in a community of like-minded individuals. But my psychosis does make interactions more complicated for me.

In any case, it's a big step.  There's a giant 6 year gap in my resume (if that even matters anymore). It gives me great "paws" for thought.  Sorry, had to go for the pun.  I'm so nervous.  Maybe I'm worried about nothing, but it doesn't feel like nothing. It feels like a whole lot of something new and potentially awesome and potentially scary.  So, we'll see what transpires.  I do feel brave for even turning in the application and I know that at this point, I should be really proud of that.

the catch-22 of depression

Everybody gets down sometimes, and at those times, it can be no big deal to "turn the frown upside down." But clinical depression is caused by a neurochemical imbalance, so you need a neurochemical remedy.  That's why meds help. According to the Mayo Clinic, you can tell when depression has become clinical if you have the following symptoms:

Clinical depression symptoms may include:

• Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day
• Loss of interest or pleasure in most activities
• Significant weight loss or gain
• Sleeping too much or not being able to sleep nearly every day
• Slowed thinking or movement that others can see
• Fatigue or low energy nearly every day
• Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
• Loss of concentration or indecisiveness
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide

By that check list I've been experiencing the symptoms of clinical depression for a while now. Lately the clinical depression is something I can feel.  I'm not just tired or down. My energy level feels like something sucked me dry.

The natural way to counteract these kinds of symptoms is to boost endorphins - the kind of feel-good chemicals that are released when you laugh, exercise, etc.  The problem is that, for example, when you're weeping, it can be hard to find a reason to laugh and when you're hiding in bed you probably don't feel like exercising.  The depression often keeps you stuck in a downward spiral.

I find that at times like these I have to force myself to try to break the cycle. Meds definitely help, but most of the time, in addition, I have to muster the mental strength to find a way to do something that increases endorphins.  I found a great, simple article on how to boost endorphins on wikiHow - http://www.wikihow.com/Release-Endorphins.  I know how hard it can be, but if you can manage to get yourself to do even one of these activities, it can help.

I'm not giving up on getting my mood back up.  I'm not being hard on myself, because I know I'm not "doing something wrong," but at the same time I really want to crawl out of this emotional hole I'm in. I've done it before, so many times, and I know if I keep trying I will feel better.

The Hidden Miracle

Do you know what I hear
When you say you have nothing to live for?

I remember me, telling myself,
There was nothing left for me
And trying to end it all.

I couldn't see the path anymore.
Or I thought there was one.
But I wrong.
And only by sheer luck
And the grace of God
Did I get the chance to find that out.

I know so many doors have closed for you.
I know that you're angry, frustrated and afraid.
I was, too.
I was so depressed.
I just couldn't see the point.

But if you can just learn to feel past the pain,
To cope with the losses of things so close to your heart,
You'll find new light.

I can't tell you what that will mean for you,
I just know that when you think you are over,
In your own time,
You have only just begun.

The first steps are the hardest,
But when you walk a little more
You'll be surprised how much joy there is to find.

Different doesn't have to be bad,
But sometimes it has to be.

So, please don't think there is nothing to live for,
Because there is -somehow there is.
The fact may seem hidden now,
But it's a miracle and it's true.

There is so much more to live for than you think right now.


-02.28.14

re-thinking yesterday's take on tumblr.

I think what happened to me when I started reading posts related to mental illness on tumblr. was that I was in shock.  That raw energy was something that was familiar to me, from my younger days, and it just reminded me how hard it is to live with all that pain inside.

I literally wondered if there was something wrong with me because I still have hallucinations telling me to kill myself but I'm not acting out. I'm depressed, so I sleep in for an hour and eat an extra piece of candy, but I'm not getting high and cutting myself.  Somewhere along the line I lucked out and got some kind of a grip.

Granted, I couldn't be this together, lucid and articulate without A LOT of medication, therapy and support, but the point is that after years of suffering in my 20's and 30's, I find myself in my early 40's still standing. I haven't always been this strong, but somehow I've survived and over time things have gotten a bit easier.

The fact is that because the cause of mental illness is still not known, and education in the general public is generally lacking, it takes a lot of trial and error to get stable.  Meds are a stab in the dark and each one works differently for each individual.  Finding a good psychiatrist and therapist who you can really open up to is challenging. And that's all assuming that you are self-aware and able to even ask for help.

Wellness is a never-ending growth process.  In my 20's and 30's I was first so unaware and then so psychotic that I couldn't even accept my diagnosis. But my best friend told me today that I'm reaching a point where I'm becoming self-actualized. In her words,"using Kurt Goldstein's definition - Expressing one's creativity, quest for spiritual enlightenment, pursuit of knowledge, and the desire to give to society - from Wikipedia."  Maybe with age does come wisdom. 

So, I realized that I don't need to "target" my writing to a certain audience, I need to be me.  As much as I'm just one more voice crying in the wilderness, I can be singing, "every little thing's gonna be alright."  I can share what I've learned that has helped me to keep going and staying sober.  I can shine some light on the path.

And so that, is what I will attempt to do.  If you're reading this and you're wondering if it's all worth it, let me tell you that it absolutely is. For some strange reason, it is, and it can get better, so don't give up.

finding tumblr. is like getting an emotional facelift

I found out that I was old today and that with age has come a measure of - something. Yes, today I had to ask, "what is tumblr.?"  And I found out the answer is that I'm obviously old if I have to ask.

If you don't know about tumblr. you should check it out. It's an amazing site of "micro-blogging."  It's something between this place and twitter and facebook or maybe it's just a mash-up of all of them.  Really, it's brilliant.

But what I've found there so far is pain and grief and frustration and angst.  Reading posts there makes me feel like I've lost my emotional edge.  Maybe by old they mean that my emotions have been "worn smooth" by time.  I feel like this blog is so academic.  I feel like I've been analyzing myself instead of just emoting.  But maybe that's because I did get to a place where I felt like I had a "more mature" attitude toward my illness.  Now, I could "handle" it.

The truth is I get by - or am getting by - despite about 6 weeks of command hallucinations telling me to hurt or kill myself.  I've blogged here about the fact that the docs are at a loss as what to do with me, because I'm already maxed out on my meds.  I see my therapist every week and try to come up with sensible strategies for dealing with my psychosis.

So, why don't I "rage against the machine anymore?"  Why don't I do cutting like I used to?  Why aren't I self-destructive like I used to be?  Is it all an illusion?  Have I really changed or am I repressing my emotions in new ways?  Have I grown up or grown numb?  I don't want to go back to those behaviors, yet I don't feel like I'm really acknowledging my emotions anymore.

All I know is that I've found a new window into the world of mental illness in the world of micro-blogging. It's filled with pure energy. It's raw. It's dirty and painful.  It seethes and oozes with dark emotions.I suppose that could be attributed to youth, but I feel like it's real source is honesty.

Yes, I'm a calmer specimen these days, on my meds and with a strong support system.  But it does pretty much suck out loud to have voices telling you to kill yourself.  It's scary. I am afraid.  I still wonder about what's inside me that others can't see.

I joined tumblr. today and so far I feel like my posts have been really lame.  I feel like I need to remember how to reach inside and find my silenced scream. I'm going to see what happens to me in the sphere of youthful exuberance and soul truth.  Feel free to join me there at http://terrangrrl.tumblr.com.

The Bipolar Bear

This is so me today.  I had all these big plans but then I lost all my energy and motivation.  Anyway, this made me laugh.  I did make it out of bed, but my commentary on today is, "zzzzzzz...."  All I can say is that on days like these, I just do the best I can.