re-thinking yesterday's take on tumblr.

I think what happened to me when I started reading posts related to mental illness on tumblr. was that I was in shock.  That raw energy was something that was familiar to me, from my younger days, and it just reminded me how hard it is to live with all that pain inside.

I literally wondered if there was something wrong with me because I still have hallucinations telling me to kill myself but I'm not acting out. I'm depressed, so I sleep in for an hour and eat an extra piece of candy, but I'm not getting high and cutting myself.  Somewhere along the line I lucked out and got some kind of a grip.

Granted, I couldn't be this together, lucid and articulate without A LOT of medication, therapy and support, but the point is that after years of suffering in my 20's and 30's, I find myself in my early 40's still standing. I haven't always been this strong, but somehow I've survived and over time things have gotten a bit easier.

The fact is that because the cause of mental illness is still not known, and education in the general public is generally lacking, it takes a lot of trial and error to get stable.  Meds are a stab in the dark and each one works differently for each individual.  Finding a good psychiatrist and therapist who you can really open up to is challenging. And that's all assuming that you are self-aware and able to even ask for help.

Wellness is a never-ending growth process.  In my 20's and 30's I was first so unaware and then so psychotic that I couldn't even accept my diagnosis. But my best friend told me today that I'm reaching a point where I'm becoming self-actualized. In her words,"using Kurt Goldstein's definition - Expressing one's creativity, quest for spiritual enlightenment, pursuit of knowledge, and the desire to give to society - from Wikipedia."  Maybe with age does come wisdom. 

So, I realized that I don't need to "target" my writing to a certain audience, I need to be me.  As much as I'm just one more voice crying in the wilderness, I can be singing, "every little thing's gonna be alright."  I can share what I've learned that has helped me to keep going and staying sober.  I can shine some light on the path.

And so that, is what I will attempt to do.  If you're reading this and you're wondering if it's all worth it, let me tell you that it absolutely is. For some strange reason, it is, and it can get better, so don't give up.