All this thinking about the crappy weather lately has me thinking about climate change. That, and I finally watched "The Lorax" yesterday (which I highly recommend). I was an environmental activist for years and while I'm not exactly "active" in the cause anymore, I'm still pro-environment. That expression is bizarre though, if you think about it, because how can you NOT be "for" your habitat?
In any case, the weather has been extreme lately. It's not just about global warming, although the Earth's atmosphere is, in general, warming, it's also about the effect of desertification -the Earth is becoming more desert-like in it's extremes of heat and cold. We're having much less of the "temperate" in the temperate zones (less spring-like and fall-like conditions). Not to mention all the unusual natural disasters which have been stressors for so many people.
What concerns me about this is that natural disasters and weather extremes are hard on people psychologically. I found this great article about "Climate Change and Mental Health, which speaks directly to this condition. I knew I wasn't alone feeling like this winter was too much, but I'm now thinking about how it's going to be getting so much worse.
What I've noticed though, is that by identifying the problem for me this winter, I'm starting to feel better. In some of my recent posts I've been talking about hearing command hallucinations that may be related to a kind of "cabin fever." It's been about 4 days now since I've heard any of these voices.
The bigger picture here may be awareness that changes in climate are effecting all of us and those of us who have lower thresholds for stress need to take care of our emotional health when things get tough. It may be helpful to do a self-assessment to find out what types of thoughts and activities help you the most with this kind of stress. And while you're at it, take time to appreciate the good weather when it comes along.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
50 Shades of Love
Sweet nothingness -
A wistful thought of what has been,
A curious hope for what may be,
I try to hold on.
These days, they say, mean so little,
Yet everywhere, we celebrate them.
It's not important, I'm told.
Then why does it matter to me?
When I think about love
I think about the divine
The love that is us all
The one that creates and looks to see.
We wander through ourselves and each other,
Finding ways to express what no one can know.
The anthropic principle:
Life exists to share it's light.
From the smallest act of kindness
To the greatest self-sacrifice
That which we seek is within us
Yet needs connection to be complete.
-02.14.14
A wistful thought of what has been,
A curious hope for what may be,
I try to hold on.
These days, they say, mean so little,
Yet everywhere, we celebrate them.
It's not important, I'm told.
Then why does it matter to me?
When I think about love
I think about the divine
The love that is us all
The one that creates and looks to see.
We wander through ourselves and each other,
Finding ways to express what no one can know.
The anthropic principle:
Life exists to share it's light.
From the smallest act of kindness
To the greatest self-sacrifice
That which we seek is within us
Yet needs connection to be complete.
-02.14.14
Thursday, February 13, 2014
the depression / anger axis
So, I learned something today from my psychiatrist, who has her own theory about why I've been hearing commands to kill myself. Although, I'm happy to say, I haven't heard anything along those lines in a couple of days now.
A couple of days ago I was talking about how I basically felt trapped in the house by the terrible winter weather - my own personal "igloo mindset." But I've also talked about how my family's life has been changed by my Dad's heart failure last year and the stress of helping him to keep up a decent quality of life. Not to mention the everyday stresses that I just don't handle well. My therapist always reminds me that I have a low threshold for stress.
Well, so all that adds up to a round of depression. I have said though, that this represents more than just the typical seasonal downer that is winter. Because of my psychosis, my psyche is fragile and that kind of stress and depression going on for so long can turn into anger. My doctor taught me today how depression and anger are closely linked. You get depressed, then frustrated about it and before you know it, you're into anger. In my case, she feels this anger has been bubbling up in my subconscious.
Now, why does that translate into commands to kill myself? The anger has to be aimed somewhere and in this case, for whatever reason, it's turned inward. My theory about that from previous rounds of suicidal ideation is that when you feel unable to change your life, it seems like a way of gaining control, of ending the pain. Obviously, that is not the way to go!
I truly hope that by realizing this, maybe my mind will start to heal. My doc said to do things I enjoy - try to have fun. I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances. The weather is supposed to change and get warmer next week, which should help, too. We'll see if the voices remain quiet.
A couple of days ago I was talking about how I basically felt trapped in the house by the terrible winter weather - my own personal "igloo mindset." But I've also talked about how my family's life has been changed by my Dad's heart failure last year and the stress of helping him to keep up a decent quality of life. Not to mention the everyday stresses that I just don't handle well. My therapist always reminds me that I have a low threshold for stress.
Well, so all that adds up to a round of depression. I have said though, that this represents more than just the typical seasonal downer that is winter. Because of my psychosis, my psyche is fragile and that kind of stress and depression going on for so long can turn into anger. My doctor taught me today how depression and anger are closely linked. You get depressed, then frustrated about it and before you know it, you're into anger. In my case, she feels this anger has been bubbling up in my subconscious.
Now, why does that translate into commands to kill myself? The anger has to be aimed somewhere and in this case, for whatever reason, it's turned inward. My theory about that from previous rounds of suicidal ideation is that when you feel unable to change your life, it seems like a way of gaining control, of ending the pain. Obviously, that is not the way to go!
I truly hope that by realizing this, maybe my mind will start to heal. My doc said to do things I enjoy - try to have fun. I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances. The weather is supposed to change and get warmer next week, which should help, too. We'll see if the voices remain quiet.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Terrangrrl's Webs
Since I'm trying to get back in sync with my online projects, I'd like to invite you to re/visit my website at http://www.terrangrrl.com.
I'm always looking for links to resources for mental health and substance abuse recovery. Please feel free to drop by and comment!
I'm always looking for links to resources for mental health and substance abuse recovery. Please feel free to drop by and comment!
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Igloo Mindset
So, my therapist has a theory about what stress could be causing my serious hallucinations. She noted a theme of a kind of "entrapment" lately. I do feel kind of trapped inside the house. I'm sure I'm not alone. For most of the country, this winter has been harsh to say the least.
But, for me, it seems to be a bit more than the "winter blues" or even seasonal effective disorder. My first problem is that I live in the suburbs and I don't drive. That in itself is a constant source of frustration, so little things like getting out with someone else driving or just taking a walk mean so much. Well, it probably won't surprise you that I haven't been out doing much walking and my family has been avoiding going out for the most part.
It's hard, and again, I know I'm not alone, but it's just been wave after wave of cold and snow. It makes me feel like I live in a little igloo trying to stay warm. Now, I'm not complaining about living in a home and having heat, but could it just be Spring already?
There's really no way to be sure if that's why I'm so stressed. But, I wonder. So, here's a haiku for today:
Frozen Neurons
Cold and snow abound
No where to go but online
Is this why I write?
Monday, February 10, 2014
The Voices Don't Mean Anything
That's what they tell me. The voices don't mean anything. No matter how much they seem to make sense or strike up a fascinating conversation, no matter how eloquent they are, no matter how nice or how disturbing, they just don't mean anything. Let me tell you something - that is so hard to grasp when you're hearing them.
The voices in my head always sound like haunting whispers. They have their own personality. They tend to be sarcastic. They do not come across like my conscious personality. And they tend to be pejorative. I wouldn't pick them to be friends.
Why I'm writing this now is because I'm struggling with a certain kind of hallucination called a command. It basically means you hear or see something that indicates that you should think or do something. Yep, those are the dangerous ones.
Now, I'm in a peculiar place. I'm hearing commands from time to time. Not all the chatter I here on a regular basis is a command. However, sometimes in the past few weeks I've been hearing commands to kill myself. Now, if you're a professional in the field of psychiatry, you may be asking yourself, why am I not back in the hospital already?
The truth is that I'm in a predicament with my meds. I'm finally back on what seems to be the best formula for me. It keeps me functional. Daily I take 40mg of Abilify, 80mg of Prozac, 5mg of Haldol and 3mg of Klonapin. If you know psych meds, you know that means I'm maxed out. About the only thing I could do in an emergency would be to take a bit more Haldol, but you can't stay at that dose because it's not safe.
The other thing is that no one thinks I'm a danger to myself. The last time this happened it was straight into the hospital, but I'm honestly not intending to harm myself in any way. Everyone in my support system knows this. I hear these commands but they are just annoying and unnerving - they don't move me.
So, I keep reporting to everyone in my support system when I hear them and how I feel and I move on. I try to ignore them, but it's admittedly a somewhat tenuous place to be in. Trying completely new anti-psychotics is not an option because I would most certainly become unstable. So will they go away? What's bringing them on? Will I get worse? Who knows? In the meantime I'll try to do this blog, because it seems to help.
The voices in my head always sound like haunting whispers. They have their own personality. They tend to be sarcastic. They do not come across like my conscious personality. And they tend to be pejorative. I wouldn't pick them to be friends.
Why I'm writing this now is because I'm struggling with a certain kind of hallucination called a command. It basically means you hear or see something that indicates that you should think or do something. Yep, those are the dangerous ones.
Now, I'm in a peculiar place. I'm hearing commands from time to time. Not all the chatter I here on a regular basis is a command. However, sometimes in the past few weeks I've been hearing commands to kill myself. Now, if you're a professional in the field of psychiatry, you may be asking yourself, why am I not back in the hospital already?
The truth is that I'm in a predicament with my meds. I'm finally back on what seems to be the best formula for me. It keeps me functional. Daily I take 40mg of Abilify, 80mg of Prozac, 5mg of Haldol and 3mg of Klonapin. If you know psych meds, you know that means I'm maxed out. About the only thing I could do in an emergency would be to take a bit more Haldol, but you can't stay at that dose because it's not safe.
The other thing is that no one thinks I'm a danger to myself. The last time this happened it was straight into the hospital, but I'm honestly not intending to harm myself in any way. Everyone in my support system knows this. I hear these commands but they are just annoying and unnerving - they don't move me.
So, I keep reporting to everyone in my support system when I hear them and how I feel and I move on. I try to ignore them, but it's admittedly a somewhat tenuous place to be in. Trying completely new anti-psychotics is not an option because I would most certainly become unstable. So will they go away? What's bringing them on? Will I get worse? Who knows? In the meantime I'll try to do this blog, because it seems to help.
My Mindscape Starting 2014
If you've been a reader of this blog in the past, I truly thank you for your patience. I really didn't know if I was going to get back to this at all for a while. If you're new to this blog, welcome! I hope that it interests you maybe even helps.
Why has it been 6 months+ since I wrote here? Well, last year turned out to be a bit rough. I spent about a week in the hospital in the late spring after I had just really gotten the blog thing going. I didn't know how to talk about it. Of all the things that you'd think would be "interesting" it just wasn't. It was sad. It's rough on family and friends. Why was I in this time? (for my 5th hospitalization?) There 's only one reason they lock you up. They assess you and deem you potentially dangerous to yourself and / or others. What went wrong? Something in my brain. In retrospect it seems like changes in my meds caused stress which led to my breakdown.
Then, just about the time I wanted to start writing again, my Dad had a heart attack and ended up changed forever. I managed a couple of posts there in July, but I decided that if I was going to blog, I'd be really off topic because all I'd be talking about is how my father's decline in health had effected me. It wouldn't have been pretty redundant for a long time: this sucks. Then as my father slowly regained some strength due to a new medication regimen it would have been differently redundant: this sucks a little less.
In short, last year sucked, and may have not been the best time to start blogging. Or maybe it was just the right time, because it's when I was inspired. In any case, my daily life is totally different because Dad really isn't independent anymore. He can do some basic things for himself, but he needs a lot of support, too.
My therapist, who feels I'm a bit manic lately, has nudged me gently to keep writing this blog when I felt like I could. I have some new issues for the new year, so, "why not share?" is kind of where I'm at.
Please join me here and feel free to comment!
Why has it been 6 months+ since I wrote here? Well, last year turned out to be a bit rough. I spent about a week in the hospital in the late spring after I had just really gotten the blog thing going. I didn't know how to talk about it. Of all the things that you'd think would be "interesting" it just wasn't. It was sad. It's rough on family and friends. Why was I in this time? (for my 5th hospitalization?) There 's only one reason they lock you up. They assess you and deem you potentially dangerous to yourself and / or others. What went wrong? Something in my brain. In retrospect it seems like changes in my meds caused stress which led to my breakdown.
Then, just about the time I wanted to start writing again, my Dad had a heart attack and ended up changed forever. I managed a couple of posts there in July, but I decided that if I was going to blog, I'd be really off topic because all I'd be talking about is how my father's decline in health had effected me. It wouldn't have been pretty redundant for a long time: this sucks. Then as my father slowly regained some strength due to a new medication regimen it would have been differently redundant: this sucks a little less.
In short, last year sucked, and may have not been the best time to start blogging. Or maybe it was just the right time, because it's when I was inspired. In any case, my daily life is totally different because Dad really isn't independent anymore. He can do some basic things for himself, but he needs a lot of support, too.
My therapist, who feels I'm a bit manic lately, has nudged me gently to keep writing this blog when I felt like I could. I have some new issues for the new year, so, "why not share?" is kind of where I'm at.
Please join me here and feel free to comment!
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